well, after getting the methotrexate i told the doctor i was traveling home with my niece and was concerned about the traveling and it's effects on my body. He said he wanted to see me on saturday to check my blood levels again. my husband took off work in order to take me and my niece to the appointment. they werent there! after calling to confirm on friday. it was crazy! i had been calling the office all day with no answer and when i went to the office i almost expected no one to be there since they were answering the phone. i was disappointed, but what could i do. i called and left two nastygrams on their voicemail informing them that i was doing what i needed to do and they werent doing what they needed to do. okay so maybe it didnt say that, but i told them that i had come and no one was there... oh well, off to va. when i landed in charlotte i went immediately to the rest room because i knew that I was beginning to bleed even though I had not had any bleeding the previous week and when i asked the doc about bleeding he said "well you might not have any bleeding at all". I even asked a second time and he said the same thing with a look that said 'i know what im talking about so dont ask me again'. i had read this other woman's blog that scared me to death because she was mentioning awful pain, cramping, and her "baby" coming out of her body while she was laying on the bathroom floor!! I was concerned about the flight, but the doc wasnt so what did i know?
In charlotte I began bleeding large clots, my head was hurting, and i was soooo tired!!! I was extremely excited to return my niece to her mother. not that she wasnt a joy, but i was emotionally drained from the whole experience and having to care for a two year old in that time was very difficult. I ate with my family and took a pain med for the cramping and pain that i was beginning to have. it did the trick! i thought i would just be bleeding for the next few days and I was okay with that. I was prepared, even though my doc made it seem as though this was unlikely. On tuesday evening all hell broke loose! i got on the phone to talk with my husband about his day and laid on my bed on my stomach. I was just laying on my stomach in the other room and the only change was that while talking with him initially i changed into my pjs. I felt like i was being stabbed in the belly repeatedly. i asked my husband to hold after yelping in the phone a couple of times because i was trying to reposition myself. I attributed the pain to the spicy chicken i ate earlier. When i realized that a simple change in position was not effective enough I told my hubby I would call him back and went to the restroom. I passed several large clots, but that was nothing new because I had been doing so since charlotte. I could feel when they were coming out because they were the size of quarters and or half dollars. I could not use the bathroom and feared I was stuck sitting on the toilet and someone would have to come and pry me off the seat.
I started to sweat and yelled for my mom to cut up the AC, but she must have thought I was just being demanding because though she said okay I didnt hear her pass the bathroom to go down the stairs. I then became demanding (because i really can be) and TOLD her to turn the AC up. I guess at that point she knew something was wrong because I would never speak to her that way and went immediately downstairs to turn the AC up and return to the bathroom door asking me to "open this door now!" She asked several times if i was okay and could i please open the door, but I could get up so opening the door was not an option. i had to get up. I took some deep breaths prayed incessantly to make the pain stop and eventually found some strength to get up, wash my hands and limp out of the bathroom where my mom was waiting. she asked, as my husband had earlier before the pain came, if i needed to go to the hospital and I said no. I asked for a vicodin to relieve the pain and took that instead. I attempted to find a comfortable position to sleep in when the pill began to work.
No such luck. I then resigned myself to the fact that I would need to go to the doctor and after a painful attempt at my mom and her fiancee moving me, the ambulance was called. I realized that this was not a case of gas and indigestion. I asked that my husband be contacted and after a seemingly long, painful ride to the hospital i heard the words. "we think that your tube may have burst and you are bleeding internally because you have a lot of free fluid in your abdomen. We will have to remove your tube and possibly your ovary." At the time I was scared, but the pain was unbearable and even the 7xs stronger than morphone, dilotted (did i spell it right?) was providing little solace. I said okay because all i wanted was to relieve the pain and really what choice did I have.
The doc was great. He sat down with me and my fam calmly and even asked the red cross if they would transport my military man to be because of the seriousness of the situation. When given our options the doc offered that my plane ride may have been the catalyst for everything because of the change in pressure and switching planes, traveling with a toddler, and stress. After speaking with my family about everything I opted for the surgery. I went such a long time without eating or drinking but couldnt think anything about it, i was in so much pain!!! After surgery I learned the tube was removed, the ovary was still there, endometriosis was cleared, and blood pooling in my abdomen was removed. The doc even added that there was scar tissue from my last laparoscopy that was creating an unnatural shape to the tube that was corrected. the doc said that due to the pregnancy (which was very large) and the endometriosis I was having pain everywhere and though we initially thought the pregnancy was in my right tube it was actually in my left. I had never had any problems with my left tube! I was/am nervous!!! my left tube was my 'good' tube. my right tube had all the problems with the endo during my previous laps, had more cysts on the ovary, and gave me more pain during my periods. now all i was left with was this tube!
the doc was very optimistic that i would be able to have kids soon, recommended that i start a minipill for 6-8 weeks, and get another hsg done to check the right tube for any missed blockages. I was happy i wasnt in a lot of pain and that i was alive, but was devastated that my chances of having kids on my own were gone down the drain or tube as it were...
So now im recovering, im tired, my RE is pushing IVF because he feels I dont have any chances. but this is the same doc who tried to tell me bleeding was not common with methotrexate, was not there for my appointment, and did not even miss a beat when i told him i was traveling in a few days after my shot and needed his recommendation. should i give up on him? should i lean solely on what the other doc said? should i just pray and hope that something happens that positive? ive suffered a miscarriage, ectopic pregnancy, and have endometriosis that is pretty persistent. all of these things are in some sort of less than common percentile and i fell in every category. i must be faulty. i wish i was one of those people who didnt want kids because all this would be so easy. but i do.
I had someone say to me because they were having trouble with their child "are you sure you want one of these. please dont have any kids". usually i laugh nervously and completely disregard these comments. this time i said "dont say that. especially not to someone in my situation". it slipped out, but it was too late, oh well, hopefully she will think twice before "advising" someone not to have children as if it is within anyone's control. I think when people chart and do all these other things that it was simply meant to be. God allowed it. because you have others going through the same process that are coming up empty. I believe this, but I also have to believe, as the contrary to this, that the things that are going on with me God has allowed also. but why? maybe it's just not my time.
I cant rationalize it and it doesnt make sense. but maybe thats not for me to understand. I am praying for good news...a miracle...God's will...but is it bad that i want a baby. should i give up? Im not taking for granted what i do have, i just want to share it...
*sigh*
