9/2/08-What a difference a week makes...

Hi everyone, 

I created this blog out of my own personal frustration in ttc and the need to surround myself with others so that we can encourage each other. I find it hard talking to others about this because most of them have not been through it and had perfectly uneventful pregnancies. Im happy for them, but this is a little frustrating for me when they say "continue to have hope" or "just pray". I know that I am doing these things so to me they are stating the obvious right?? or, maybe I dont want to pray right now and I want to wallow in my own self-pity. isnt that my perogative too, especially after this ordeal.  I know my journey isnt as long as others and just wanted to share a little of my history. I have been pregnancy twice. I was excited both times, but was crushed almost immediately after given confirmation. The first was a chemical m/c. I didnt name my little one like some, but i thought about it, but part of me just wanted to move on (bad huh?!). It was a little over a year later that i became pregnant again. no clomid or anything else, though i came off of it this past may after it made me go completely looney toons without the product of a happy little one. Just a lot of waiting, counting, planned sex (yuck,but still kinda fun). I got tired and said no more and that i was moving on from this pregnancy fueled life! A couple weeks ago I found out I was preggers! YAY! i was excited & was eager to make all those life changing decisions, after all that's what they say right "once you stop trying you get pregnant". well that is exactly what happened. I got my blood work and my HCG levels were good and rising but I was "still very early" and nothing could be seen via ultrasound.  once my levels go to 2,000+ I went in for an ultrasound and noticed something was missing... my developing fetus!! My HCG continued to rise and at 3900+, a ton of blood work, several marks in my arms from prying HCG starved needles, and ultrasounds straining to see something, anything, anywhere, my baby was still no where to be found. not in my tubes, ovary, uterus....nothing. my doctor claims I have a "tubal issue", but how does he know, there was nothing there!? Regardless, we opted not to have the quickie surgery that I'd decided would be the best option (quick fix) and took the methotrexate injection because they could not pinpoint where the "pregnancy" was. devastating. I just had the injection and am anxious about what I will be feelings and will I be bleeding profusely, or will I feel my little one fall lifeless out of my body. I dont know what to think about the future because when I get pregnant all I can think about is the past! Pregnancy is supposed to be a happy time and I should be able to tell people as soon as it happens. Instead, Im nervous to even tell my hubby because I'd rather just go through the pain and heartache alone. Some sort of superwoman complex im sure. Im not going to do anything else (clomid, IVF, IUI) because both times pregnancy happened without that and nothing happened (except alot of crazy me) with it. My question is how do other people going through even more on-going issues than me (endometriosis, possible PCOS) dust themselves off and do it again. I need some baby dust, no scratch that I need a baby sand storm. I even thought to myself, what other abnormalities will I(if any) go through before having my little one?? *sigh* Im so ready, but maybe for some reason God doesnt think so... Im trying not to put in my hands and leave it to him, but it is so hard not to check that mucus and not immediately want to BD. LOL! Looking back on it now, my emotional rollercoaster, all I can think is....what a difference a week makes...